When Our Loved One Grieves...

Grief is a personal experience. Because we are unique human beings, our grief is unique. Although we think we know what another person feels, we do not. Grief is very subjective, and we can only understand or empathize……but we cannot really know what the other person is feeling. What happens when the bereaved  is your loved one? What can you say? What can you do to make them feel better?

When we deal with our own grief, we may know what helps us or what to do to process it. In the case of another person…we may tell them what has helped us and what may help them… but we cannot do it for them. They have to go through their own process…and during that time is when your own grief becomes paramount.  It becomes bigger than anything else because you feel impotent as you are not able to take the pain away from your loved one; it becomes heavy because you add the extra pain to yours; it becomes impatient because you want to have the power to remove it from the heart of your loved one; and, it becomes humbling when you realize you do not have the power to make it disappear. 

You can only be present with love, compassion, empathy, patience, and hope.

My Husband Mario, Mrs. Ruth Houben, and Me

A few days ago my husband lost his beloved mother, Mrs. Ruth Houben. Although I feel great pain for the loss of my mother in law, whom I loved dearly, I need to put my grief “on the shelf” and be there for his grief.  It is not about me; it is about him. In reality, it is very difficult to put it in words the pain one feels when the person we love is suffering…it breaks my heart and I feel the pain down to my bones…it envelopes me in this desire to remove any trace of his pain….any tear…any longing…but I know I cannot…and I remain still…as a witness of his grief…allowing this huge pain to come out, and be expressed,  shared, and  turned over onto me - then I can receive it in my hands and in my heart.

As I said before…grief is very personal and unique…and it needs to be expressed because, if not, it may destroy our soul. The fact that I have specialized in grief and loss does not imply I do not experience it. I do… with all my heart.  I am not afraid of going to that dark place…because it is there where I can see the light again. It is in my greatest grief where I can discover the greatest joy:

I am not afraid to love….therefore I am not afraid to grieve.

I wish you a beautiful day,

Ligia/12

Live This Year With Meaning

In the last message of 2011, I included a set of questions with the purpose of helping you evaluate where you were in your life and where you want to be in 2012. Let’s keep in mind that as we start a new year, we have the opportunity of making it "just another year" or a meaningful one. It all depends on our inner strength and our attitude.

 I do not know what situation you may be facing now, and if it is a painful one, my heart goes out to you. I know that in many circumstances it may not be easy to think we can live a fulfilling or a meaningful year...still, it all depends on our attitude and how we respond to what is happening to us. If we allow ourselves to be totally overtaken by external circumstances, then we lose our ability to choose. We become a victim of the situation. 

How about if we choose to be a survivor? 

What if we look into our toolkit and get all those wonderful resources we have inside of us and use them?

Which of the following resources do you need at this moment?

• Faith
• Patience
• Hope
• Courage
• Persistence
• Gratitude
• Forgiveness
• Endurance
• Resilience
• Compassion
• Strength
• Peace
• Love

  Once you determine the value you need the most...use it! Do not leave it up to fate.

 Our life is created by us - by our determination and by the vision we possess.

 If failure is the vision we have in our minds....then that is what we will get. If we have the vision of sadness or hopelessness...then that is what we will get.

 If we have the vision of meaning, gratitude, and love...then that is the kind of life we will have.

 I hope this message inspires you to open your heart and be grateful for the greatest gift you have...your life!

 Remember….your life has meaning!

  

 Ligia/12

Practice Happiness!

Even in the midst of difficulties, you can choose to be happy.

Happiness is about attitude. Nobody or any external factor can “make” you happy. How often have we heard people say things like, “When I get the perfect job or meet the love of my life, then I will be happy,” or, “When the economy gets better, I will finally be happy”?

In truth, being happy is a choice. We know of many people who may be rich, with the best job and a great partner, and still are miserable. How is this possible? It is because inside, they are unhappy, unsatisfied and always wanting more.

What brings you happiness? For me, feeling peaceful, brings me joy. Whenever I feel restless, I focus on bringing peace to my inner self. Consequently, this brings me happiness.

It is a matter of attitude, decision, and taking action.

If you are facing a tough and challenging situation you have two choices: dwell on misery and suffer through or choose to be happy on the inside and carry joy in your heart. This is not easy and at times you may slip back to feeling sorry for yourself, but…the more you choose joy the easier it gets to experience joy. Practice being happy and before you know it, happiness will come naturally.

Have a beautiful day,

Ligia/12

Positive Thinking and Losses

As we start 2012, many of us have plans to carry out or goals to achieve.

The new year is just the perfect time to do it, how wonderful! Now...do you find yourself stuck and unable to move forward? Is there a loss in your life that holds you back? Do you try to practice positive thinking and it is not working?

I want to share with you how I see positive thinking and how this applies when we have suffered a loss.

• To think positively does not mean to ignore how we feel.

• To think positively does not mean to look the other way when we face a loss.

• To think positively is not to live in denial.

Thinking positively is being able to evaluate our situation and:

• To validate our emotions and know we can do something about how we feel. We reframe our thoughts.

• To acknowledge we are facing a loss and to process our grief, knowing there is hope in our lives.

• It is to accept what is happening to us and choose our response.


If we embrace these ideas, our "positive" attitude will come from within. It will be real. It will not be a mask we wear so others think we are "so positive." It is developing a sense of gratitude, of empowerment, and being able to see the possibilities that exist in your life. It is knowing our thoughts have a great influence on our emotions and that based on these emotions we act.

So, if you want to act with meaning, purpose and empowerment this year, take responsibility for your choices, use your resources, and have a transformation from the inside out.

Then....you will think positively without an effort!


Remember, as you transform your loss you can change your life!

Ligia/12

The Last Reflection of 2011

Check at the end of the week, the end of the year and make sure you are not spending major time on minor things.
-Jim Rohn


We are living the last week of 2011 and getting ready to welcome 2012. It is the perfect time to reflect on how you lived this past year and how do you want to live the next one. Are you focusing on what matters most or are you wasting your time on things that are not really important? Are you satisfied with your quality of life? What about your spirituality? Have you forgiven that person who hurt you? Have you made amends with people you hurt? Have you shown gratitude?
Did you experience a major loss? Have you done your griefwork and give yourself the opportunity to heal?

All these questions can help you get in touch with your inner self and see what you could still do the remaining days of the 2011.
As you plan 2012 visualize the year ahead and focus on make it better and more meaningful. We can always better ourselves. We can always improve our relationships with others. We can always make better choices.

In the hope of providing you with some ideas to plan your upcoming year, I share with you the following questionnaire.

Take your time and respond to each question with an open heart.


• How was your life journey in 2011?

• What did you accomplish?

• What do you regret you didn’t accomplish?

• What stopped you?

• What could you have done to make it happen?

• What did you learn from this?

• What do you want to accomplish in 2012?

• What is the first step you can take now to make it happen?



It is your life and you can make it happier, richer, and more fulfilling.

The choice is yours!


Happy New Year!

Remember, your life has meaning!

Ligia/11

Love is Eternal

On November 11th, 2011, was the 40th anniversary of my father's death. I can hardly believe 40 years had gone by since the day when my world turned upside down. I was 12 years old when my assumptive world broke into pieces. I stayed still and did not want to move without him. I wanted to remain a shadow and immerse myself in grief and pain. Life stopped having meaning. He was my hero. He was my teacher. He was my strength. Suddenly I was left without north. I wanted to remain still.

But...even if I wanted to forget about life...life did not forget about me. It pushed me, even without my own awareness, to continue growing and continue living.

Little by little I learned to adjust to a new world without the physical presence of my father, and have been able to carry his love and teachings in my heart. It is because of this great loss that I embarked myself in this journey of helping others facing a loss or difficult transition. I understood that in order to heal I needed to confront my grief face to face. I could not cannot ignore it. I could not pretend everything was the same and above all....I realized we never forget our loved one. We learn to live with the loss integrated in our lives because...there is life after a loss and we can transform it.

I was recently invited to a radio show and we talked about eternal love. This is the love I feel for my father. When we lose a loved one, our love does not end.

As long as we have our loved one in our minds and our hearts, they continue living!

As we transform our loss we can change our lives...

Ligia/11

Managing Loss & Grief during the Holidays

In a few days starts the Holiday Season which are is a time when we get together with loved ones, celebrate, and enjoy the season. If you have recently suffered the loss of a loved one, this time of the year may bring a sensation of emptiness as you miss the person who, physically, is no longer with us. What can you do about coping with loss during the Holidays? Are you supposed to ignore the Holidays altogether? Are you supposed to pretend you are not sad and show a happy face? Although you cannot change what has happened in your life you can still find new meaning during these special days.

Even though, you may not feel like celebrating, you can remember your loved one in a meaningful manner, and a beautiful way to do this is creating rituals. Rituals can help you keep their memories alive in your hearts. These rituals can be personal, with the family, or both. The advantage of creating a family ritual is that you can do it at the time you get together and want to honor your loved one.

These are examples of some rituals you can do:

• Lighting a candle in remembrance as you gather with your family

• Sharing special memories

• Placing a chest in the living room where your family and friends can place an anecdote honoring the memory of your loved one Start New Traditions

In many families, a designated person is in charge of the celebrations and when the time comes, this may be especially painful for the rest of the family. Still, you can be creative and start a new tradition. For example, Elissa, a Lebanese American, decided to celebrate Thanksgiving by cooking a stuffed lamb instead of the traditional turkey. She wanted to start their own tradition honoring her Lebanese father. In other families, they prefer to continue a family tradition like in the case of Hortensia, a Venezuelan, who cooks a special family dish every Christmas since her mother died. Her mother was known for her pernil de cerdo al horno (oven-roasted pork) and Hortensia has continued this tradition as her mother’s legacy. The entire family feels closer to Hortensia’s mother and their beloved country, of Venezuela.

Although every celebration may bring memories of your loved one, the first celebration may be especially difficult and it is essential you prepare yourself in advance, to find meaning during these days. Because of this pain, many people may abuse alcohol or drugs during the Holidays, because they think or hope that by being numbed, they will feel better. Other people may rely on prescription drugs to deal with their grief, so they can deal with the arising emotions that may accompany grief, such as anxiety or depression. Others rely on their spirituality and participate in individual or communal rituals. Finally, other people make the decision to go to counseling when they want a guide on how to manage grief, which is also known as, griefwork. What matters the most is to pay attention to your needs and validate your emotions It is also important to acknowledge that besides experiencing the loss of a loved one, there are other losses or transitions that may interfere with our feeling joyful at this time of the year and are also crucial to validate. Among these transitions we may find:

• Loss of a job, financial hardship

• Illness-mental and physical

• Loneliness, depression and anxiety

• Having moved to a new town or place

• Anger and disharmony the family

• Marriages breaking up

• Break up with lover

• Loss of an animal companion

Any situation is unique but the best you can do is to communicate your needs with others. You may also be able to transform this time of the year into an opportunity to be closer to your loved ones, and to be of service to others. For instance, you could share time or express your love for children. Or, what about sharing time with an older adult who may just need a hug and some attention? Despite our own pain, we can still be giving, loving, and appreciative. Remember that the best way to express how we feel goes beyond material gift. It has to do with giving from our heart…Always remember that, although the Holidays may be challenging times, it is also an opportunity to share time with special people in your life.

Remember....as you transform your loss you can change your life!

Ligia/11