When Our Loved One Grieves...

Grief is a personal experience. Because we are unique human beings, our grief is unique. Although we think we know what another person feels, we do not. Grief is very subjective, and we can only understand or empathize……but we cannot really know what the other person is feeling. What happens when the bereaved  is your loved one? What can you say? What can you do to make them feel better?

When we deal with our own grief, we may know what helps us or what to do to process it. In the case of another person…we may tell them what has helped us and what may help them… but we cannot do it for them. They have to go through their own process…and during that time is when your own grief becomes paramount.  It becomes bigger than anything else because you feel impotent as you are not able to take the pain away from your loved one; it becomes heavy because you add the extra pain to yours; it becomes impatient because you want to have the power to remove it from the heart of your loved one; and, it becomes humbling when you realize you do not have the power to make it disappear. 

You can only be present with love, compassion, empathy, patience, and hope.

My Husband Mario, Mrs. Ruth Houben, and Me

A few days ago my husband lost his beloved mother, Mrs. Ruth Houben. Although I feel great pain for the loss of my mother in law, whom I loved dearly, I need to put my grief “on the shelf” and be there for his grief.  It is not about me; it is about him. In reality, it is very difficult to put it in words the pain one feels when the person we love is suffering…it breaks my heart and I feel the pain down to my bones…it envelopes me in this desire to remove any trace of his pain….any tear…any longing…but I know I cannot…and I remain still…as a witness of his grief…allowing this huge pain to come out, and be expressed,  shared, and  turned over onto me - then I can receive it in my hands and in my heart.

As I said before…grief is very personal and unique…and it needs to be expressed because, if not, it may destroy our soul. The fact that I have specialized in grief and loss does not imply I do not experience it. I do… with all my heart.  I am not afraid of going to that dark place…because it is there where I can see the light again. It is in my greatest grief where I can discover the greatest joy:

I am not afraid to love….therefore I am not afraid to grieve.

I wish you a beautiful day,

Ligia/12